Betting it All: One woman's battle with addiction
by Lauren Bacon, Insight reporter
The subject of this article has asked that her name be changed to protect her identity.
A night out alone is all that Willie wanted. It was more than 15 years ago when she went to the casinos for the first time. She had just left work and the flashing lights and dinging bells were an exciting way to end her day. She didn’t mind when she started losing money, so she just gambled more. By the end of that first night, she had lost hundreds of dollars. So she went back the next night with a co-worker, hoping to win it back. She lost more.
She kept going back, partially to try and repay her losses, but also, to escape. "There are no clocks, no windows, bright, flashing lights. It’s like a different world," said Willie.
There were things to escape. At the time, Willie had a boyfriend but was sure he was cheating on her. Instead of sitting at home every night imagining him with another woman, she went to Tunica.
The first time Willie gambled away her entire paycheck, she realized she had a problem. Not an addiction, she thought, just a problem. Soon, she would gamble away every paycheck, leaving no money even for food. She bounced so many checks that she had to close her checking account.
The financial problems didn’t stop there. She filed for bankruptcy – twice. She lost her home and had to move in with her daughter. Willie knew her life was out of control, but still, she didn’t consider her gambling an addiction. She believed it was nothing more than just another problem to solve.
Dead Person Walking
After five years of continuous gambling, Willie finally sought treatment. She claims it didn’t work, because she wasn’t convinced she needed help. "The first step to getting well is to admit you have a problem or there's no hope," Willie said.
Her son was in high school at the time and seldom saw his mother. "I would gamble for three days without getting up to do anything but go to the bathroom. Once you cross the line of compulsive gambling, you don't control it. It controls you.”
Willie used to refer to herself as a dead person walking. Even though she never missed work, her mind was always on how to get the money back she had lost. Willie worked two jobs: one full time and one part time to earn more money.
”I just wanted everything to go away”
By 2000, Willie’s two jobs couldn’t bankroll her gambling, so she took a desperate measure. She stole $29,000 from her employer. That night, she gambled it all away. So the next day, Willie stole more money and eventually was fired. She was charged with embezzlement and put on trial. The trial took a toll on her health and Willie began taking medication for depression, insomnia, and a variety of physical ailments.
She found herself staying in bed thinking of suicide almost nightly. "I didn't want to die. I just wanted everything to go away," Willie recalls.
The night Willie planned her suicide she thought about her two children. She didn’t want to be a burden to her daughter any longer, even though she knew her death would cause her daughter pain. But Willie couldn’t handle her own pain.
She decided a drug overdose would be the easiest way to do it. She swallowed ten Zolofts and some pain pills hoping she could go to sleep and never wake up.
But several hours later, she opened her eyes. The shock of what she had attempted made her realize she did need help - quickly.
Willie went to her doctor the next day and was referred to Lakeside Psychiatric Hospital located in the outskirts of Memphis, Tennessee. But even as they treated her for depression, Willie never once mentioned gambling to her psychiatrists at the hospital.
Willie sought more help and went to The Gambling Clinic at the University of Memphis, where she first admitted that she might have a gambling problem. It seemed to work, because she went a month without gambling. But it wasn’t easy. She remembers fighting daily urges. The urges were so strong that she eventually went back to the casinos – back to gambling.
The Turning Point
The moment that would mark her turning point came from the gavel of a judge. In 2006, Willie was giving probation for the money she had stolen from her former employer. Part of the probation was to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.
Gamblers Anonymous was founded by two men in 1957 shared a gambling problem. The two discovered that the more they talked, the less they acted out the addiction. Eventually this became a free membership group for gambling addicts.
It also included a religious element which appealed to Willie, "I started re-exploring my faith in God and getting close to Him again. My faith is what got me through this."
Willie found comfort in hearing the stories of other problem gamblers, but she also found herself wanting to help them. After gamblers at the meetings opened up about their problems, Willie felt a need to continue their conversations on the phone. Suddenly she didn't feel alone in her illness.
Her connection to helping others with gambling addiction grew so strong that Willie started her own version of a gambling support hotline. Her cell phone is with her at all times, and she is always ready and willing to talk to people from around the world who are reaching out for help.
I took Satan home and left him there
As is the story with all addictions – a problem gambler is never cured, but actively recovering. One night, Willie had a relapse, the only one since seeking treatment. She remembers the exact date. On June 4, 2007, she gave into the constant urges to go back to the casinos in Tunica. Willie doesn't have a car, so she had to take three buses to get there. She went alone. It took her three hours. The entire way, she wrote in her journal. It was her last visit to the casinos, but her journal is her constant companion – a tool she believes helps her stay centered, “I took Satan home and left him there.”
Every Tuesday evening Willie waits for the bus to take her to the Gamblers Anonymous meeting at Christ United Methodist Church. She leads these meetings as a way for her to stay on her path of recovery. Life still hands Willie challenges. She often struggles with her urge to gamble, but she accepts that this will be an uphill internal battle for the rest of her life. Like any other addiction, it doesn’t just go away.
A night out alone is all that Willie wanted. It was more than 15 years ago when she went to the casinos for the first time. She had just left work and the flashing lights and dinging bells were an exciting way to end her day. She didn’t mind when she started losing money, so she just gambled more. By the end of that first night, she had lost hundreds of dollars. So she went back the next night with a co-worker, hoping to win it back. She lost more.
She kept going back, partially to try and repay her losses, but also, to escape. "There are no clocks, no windows, bright, flashing lights. It’s like a different world," said Willie.
There were things to escape. At the time, Willie had a boyfriend but was sure he was cheating on her. Instead of sitting at home every night imagining him with another woman, she went to Tunica.
The first time Willie gambled away her entire paycheck, she realized she had a problem. Not an addiction, she thought, just a problem. Soon, she would gamble away every paycheck, leaving no money even for food. She bounced so many checks that she had to close her checking account.
The financial problems didn’t stop there. She filed for bankruptcy – twice. She lost her home and had to move in with her daughter. Willie knew her life was out of control, but still, she didn’t consider her gambling an addiction. She believed it was nothing more than just another problem to solve.
Dead Person Walking
After five years of continuous gambling, Willie finally sought treatment. She claims it didn’t work, because she wasn’t convinced she needed help. "The first step to getting well is to admit you have a problem or there's no hope," Willie said.
Her son was in high school at the time and seldom saw his mother. "I would gamble for three days without getting up to do anything but go to the bathroom. Once you cross the line of compulsive gambling, you don't control it. It controls you.”
Willie used to refer to herself as a dead person walking. Even though she never missed work, her mind was always on how to get the money back she had lost. Willie worked two jobs: one full time and one part time to earn more money.
”I just wanted everything to go away”
By 2000, Willie’s two jobs couldn’t bankroll her gambling, so she took a desperate measure. She stole $29,000 from her employer. That night, she gambled it all away. So the next day, Willie stole more money and eventually was fired. She was charged with embezzlement and put on trial. The trial took a toll on her health and Willie began taking medication for depression, insomnia, and a variety of physical ailments.
She found herself staying in bed thinking of suicide almost nightly. "I didn't want to die. I just wanted everything to go away," Willie recalls.
The night Willie planned her suicide she thought about her two children. She didn’t want to be a burden to her daughter any longer, even though she knew her death would cause her daughter pain. But Willie couldn’t handle her own pain.
She decided a drug overdose would be the easiest way to do it. She swallowed ten Zolofts and some pain pills hoping she could go to sleep and never wake up.
But several hours later, she opened her eyes. The shock of what she had attempted made her realize she did need help - quickly.
Willie went to her doctor the next day and was referred to Lakeside Psychiatric Hospital located in the outskirts of Memphis, Tennessee. But even as they treated her for depression, Willie never once mentioned gambling to her psychiatrists at the hospital.
Willie sought more help and went to The Gambling Clinic at the University of Memphis, where she first admitted that she might have a gambling problem. It seemed to work, because she went a month without gambling. But it wasn’t easy. She remembers fighting daily urges. The urges were so strong that she eventually went back to the casinos – back to gambling.
The Turning Point
The moment that would mark her turning point came from the gavel of a judge. In 2006, Willie was giving probation for the money she had stolen from her former employer. Part of the probation was to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.
Gamblers Anonymous was founded by two men in 1957 shared a gambling problem. The two discovered that the more they talked, the less they acted out the addiction. Eventually this became a free membership group for gambling addicts.
It also included a religious element which appealed to Willie, "I started re-exploring my faith in God and getting close to Him again. My faith is what got me through this."
Willie found comfort in hearing the stories of other problem gamblers, but she also found herself wanting to help them. After gamblers at the meetings opened up about their problems, Willie felt a need to continue their conversations on the phone. Suddenly she didn't feel alone in her illness.
Her connection to helping others with gambling addiction grew so strong that Willie started her own version of a gambling support hotline. Her cell phone is with her at all times, and she is always ready and willing to talk to people from around the world who are reaching out for help.
I took Satan home and left him there
As is the story with all addictions – a problem gambler is never cured, but actively recovering. One night, Willie had a relapse, the only one since seeking treatment. She remembers the exact date. On June 4, 2007, she gave into the constant urges to go back to the casinos in Tunica. Willie doesn't have a car, so she had to take three buses to get there. She went alone. It took her three hours. The entire way, she wrote in her journal. It was her last visit to the casinos, but her journal is her constant companion – a tool she believes helps her stay centered, “I took Satan home and left him there.”
Every Tuesday evening Willie waits for the bus to take her to the Gamblers Anonymous meeting at Christ United Methodist Church. She leads these meetings as a way for her to stay on her path of recovery. Life still hands Willie challenges. She often struggles with her urge to gamble, but she accepts that this will be an uphill internal battle for the rest of her life. Like any other addiction, it doesn’t just go away.
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Insight News reporter Kamiya Bailey looked at the link between suicide and gambling.